I'm pretty good at loosing things...

"You would be really good at making love..."

Maybe I would, guess you'll never know. Maybe I'm wondering if it's normal for someone who "just wants to be friends" to say this. Maybe it doesn't matter anymore. But maybe I care. Maybe I actually care about my feelings right now because I know no one else is going to care for me, right?

I don't miss you, and I don't miss the one before you, and I don't miss any of the others. But just for the record, this post is not dedicated to you. This is about me.

I hung up the phone with the familiar sinking feeling in my gut, and I felt my eyes water, just a little. But what could I do? Nothing. Did I deserve being played around like this? I didn't think so at the time. And, was it really just another fling.

So in total there's been nine official relationships. By this, I mean, I've told some friends and maybe even my parents that I'm "going out" with so and so, exactly nine times. Five of which have lasted under a month.

Pretty confident that this isn't very good for my mental health, my spluttering heart, or my mood swings. The worst part is, they always leave me with useless hope. I always feel like i've got this ugly gaping hole infront of me that the whole world just stares at, but at the same time somewhere inside me I believe that he'll come back and fill it.

So maybe I should stop. I did for a while, sort of. But every time someone's even remotely attractive to me, I jump for them. By attractive I don't mean they're a massive babe, I mean there's something about them that's worth chasing, so I do.

It makes me feel pretty stupid, you know. The fact that I've been dumped and felt moderately used by eight boys, and the one that I left myself, hurt me the most and turned out to bat for the other team. What does that say about me?

Is this some sort of identity crisis that I'm going through? For the past three years has this been my way of ignoring the fact that I can't love myself for who I am because... well, I don't know why actually. I don't understand most people I know and love, because if they think I'm fantastic, how is that supposed to be concievable to me?

I'll admit, my self confidence has grown, and I feel like I can be myself pretty much all the time, which makes me happy. But when I look at myself I don't like it, whatever it is. Theres something so insincere and broken about me that makes me feel sick, but when I can say "Look at this guy, he likes me enough to hold my waist and kiss my forehead and always wants to spend time with me!" But what does that even mean?

So at the moment, I feel a bit lonely. But I also feel like this time I should not fill the damn gap that's aching and stealing my sleep. As much as I deeply need it, I shouldn't. If I do, maybe it will please me for a little while, but it will only leave a deeper wound. So, all I've got to do, is wait for it to close up by itself, because the huge spaces around it that my friends take up, will get bigger and bigger till it's so small that it doesn't need to be filled.

So, here's the plan. If ever I am involved with a fellow again (which I'm assuming I will be eventually) I will not give them a space in my heart till I can actually trust them and love them, so I will literally be bulletproof, until I feel safe enough to give them my love.

Let's hope that's not for a while though, till then I'll be busy making money, learning, making music and loving my friends.