The Bird and The Worm

I listen to Owl City, because I know how much you hated it.
I'm afraid to look at my own wall, because I kept the sticker you gave me, and it's right in the middle.
I wake up too early, because the morning winter chill brings me the security that left with you.
I write blogs, because I think you liked them once.
I cut my nails too short, because it doesn't hurt when I clentch my fists.

I watch Skins, because you said it was better than Gossip Girl.
I wear jumpers on the hottest days, because I still feel cold.
I deleted all my text messages, becaue I couldn't just delete yours.
I hid all sharp objects, because I can't do that to myself.
I wrote you a letter, because I thought it would help.

I said my feelings were gone, because they are.
I cry too much, because I can't help remembering.
I can't sleep most nights, because of the memories.
I fall quiet and wear my pensive face, because I forget how to talk.
I won't eat avocados, because they are your eyes.

I cut my hair, because you liked how it used to be.
I take deep breaths, because I knew I was right.
I love my friends, because they were all wrong.
I write down my feelings, because I don't really know what they are.
I fall for everyone, because they aren't you.

But, really...

I enjoy the feeling of crapness spinning through my mind, with each Owl City song.
I smile, because the sticker tells me to.
I love cold, winter mornings.
I write blogs, because I'm waiting for Gossip Girl to load.
And I cut my nails short, by accident.

I love Sid and Michell and Tony and Maxie and Effie and Jal and Cassie, but not Anwar. And, Gossip Girl is better than Skins.
I live in warm wooley jumpers, no matter the weather.
I deleted yours first.
The letter did help.

The letter made me realise that I don't like you anymore.
I cry when I'm embarassed, and I'm embarassed when I cry, so I cry more.
I can't sleep because I dream of terrible things, and wake up happy.
I have a pensive face now, so's I don't say stupid things or make bad jokes or cry in embarassment, I just look at you, when you blow out the pretty flame, dancing in my eyes as I play with my cheap lighter.
I hate avocados, and I always have.

I cut my hair like the Tony & Guy ad, because I wanted to be a pixie.
I take deep breaths, as I write this, and wonder if you, or anyone, will ever read it. But really, I don't care, so I write on.
I was right, and my friends were wrong, if only I'd had confidence in myself. But, I guess, shit happened, and I'm still ok.
And, I love them, none the less.
Yeah, I also write about the dead cat I saw on my way to school, and that metaly-petrol smell that I love so much, and english essays, all of which I hardly understand. Feelings, Shmeelings.
And, for the record, I don't fall for anyone. I just got excited at the fact that I was attracted to other people again, after so long of whatever was going on with me, and, you know, complicated my friendships, sexuality and mood swings along the way..

The fact is, I'm not heat-felt anymore, if I ever was. Sure, I'm an emotional whore, and I talk about myself too much, and theres quite a handful of beautiful people who aparently enjoy spending time with me, but, to quote Ben Folds and Regina Spector, You Don't Know Me At All.

You don't know that I can't stand loosing Monopoly, and that singing is my favourite thing to do in the world ever, and that I'll never reach my dreams, so I'm making up new one's along the way, and that I wrote you half a song which ended with the words "I love you" because I thought I would one day, and how much I love drinking milk from the carton. And you never noticed the way I looked up into the corner of my eyes ever now and again, and you didn't even realise that you couldn't handle me for more than exactly 2 months and one day, and finally, FINALLY, I don't care anymore. Beause as beautiful and wonderful and sweet and lovely as it all was, life goes on, and all I'm really thinking about now is how good those sliced strawberries and banana and chocolate sauce and maybe a bit of caramel sauce and vanilla ice cream and icing sugar, on waffles are going to taste, when I make them with the waffle maker Paloma and Julia are giving me for my birthday.

Well well well well well, it's been a while.

And things have changed.

I've noticed recently, that I enjoy writing lists. Lists of what to do, what to buy, who I love, the list of things to do before my 16th, and just lots and lots of lists, listing things. So, I've made one for you, actually, I'm about to, and here's how it starts:

1. Was disrupted from my aimless search for my stolen personal belongings, and endless crying, by fireworks.
2. Found love interest of the moment, grabbed him, kissed him. Felt a bit weak in the knees, tasted a tangy mix of beer and packaged chips, saw the inside of my eyelids, smelt sweat and the inklings of a new year.
3. Heard him say "This doesn't feel right", let go of me, and felt...confused.
4. Saw something frighteningly snake-like.
5. Woke up before 6am, read Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.
6. Went to the police to report my stolen belongings.
7. Facebook-chatted with the girl I somewhat idolise, for my boss's number.
8. Got dumped.
9. Made 80 cupcakes.
10. Recieved great advice from "such a babe."
11. Made a phone call, that unwillingly changed the next two and a half months of my life.
12. Made an angry cake dog, and wrote a blog about it. Met someone special for "coffee", was uplifted and hopelessly locked in an awkward head-over-heels position.
13. Went past "Wolstonecraft" station, remembering who's stop that was, gave her a ring, appologised. Realised how much the smallest phonecall can change things, again. Laughed.
14. Met Dannielle and the frightening Red Cross voulenteers.
15. Met Joe, Harry and Lachy. Was awkward.
16. Until it wasn't anymore.
17. Loved the beach, and a few other things.
18. Held hands in the spa.
19. "Watched" a movie about zombies taking over the world.
20. Had own world taken over by sweet, sweet kisses and avocado eyes.
21. Saw Toy story 2, for the first time ever, IN 3D!
22. Did some things, watched babe and faulty towers.
23. Had an amazing strawberry milkshake with the greatest girl in the world.
24. Was asked, "Oh, are you a new year 7?" for the second year in a row, despite the white shirt.
25. Was late for economics, and forever held the awkward seating arrangement. Was accepted.
26. Met his friends and Tim Humphrys
27. Made first boost.
28. Went to fairday and met Tim's friends.
29. Mardi gras. Smallwood. No comment.
30. Heard a song, I rather liked.
31. Got over it, eventually.
32. Fell in love with Eeyore, the snuggly soft toy.
33. Was dumped.
34. Called Tim.
35. Called Morgan.
36. Wallowed in self pity.
37. With the best friends ever.
38. Wore thick wooley red jumper on the hottest day of the year, because it was safe.
39. Cried some.
40. Visited Papu, in hospital.
41. Danced, finally.
42. Saw Callum and Benita, finally.
43. Listened to a song, thought of someone.
44. Watched skins.
45. Went to the zoo..
46. Bought Chocolate Body Paint.
47. Morgan
48. Morgan
49. Morgan
50. Easter show.
51. Work
52. Sleep
53. Watched skins.
54. Work
55. Sleep
56. Missed south african boy.
57. Work
58. Wrote a letter to someone about something.
59. Hid it.
60. Watched skins.
61. Felt attracted to people, for the first time in six months.
62. Cried some.
63. Enjoyed school.
64. Hated school.
65. Studied..
66. not really.
67. Questioned sexuality.
68. Banana Buzz, thought of her.
69. Did 7th grade saxophone exam.
70. Was exceedingly happy.
71. Dreamed of jumping off the top of F block.
72. Woke up, smiling?
73. Work.
74. Banana Buzz, again.
75. Her, again.
76. Saw another him.
77. KAROKE!!
78. Was sombre.
79. Listened to that song again.
80. Thought some, Cried some, Slept some.
81. Woke up.
82. Did maths.
83. For 4 hours.
84. Finished A Clockwork Orange.
85. Had cold feet, literally.
86. Studied,
87. no, really this time.
88. Played my saxophone.
89. Was happy
90. Was sad
91. Was menstrual?
92. Watched skins.
93. Had lunch.
94. Realised english essay was (is)... shit.
95. Facebook.
96. Blue tacked old school photos on my wall. Laughed at my evolvng middle part, gapped tooth, ridiculous expression. Understood why people don't like me at first glance, or second.
97. Or third.
98. Waited for mum to go and buy me Frankie.
99. Wrote this blog.

It's funny how I love my sister...

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:


you should be more disappointed in yourself

youre such a slut

youre so ugly

mary. says:

obviously.

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

wearing all that makeup doesnt hide it

it being all those pimples too

mary. says:

you're has one of these buddy '

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

you might wanna work on that.

mary. says:

i didn't wear any makeup today actually.

you might want to work on spelling, weren't you good at that once?

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

and might wanna learn to sew or something so you can make your "dresses" and "skirts" longer.

oh im very good at my spelling when i want to be

mary. says:

pff

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

ive seen all the things you write

mary. says:

yeah?

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

you just cant spell.

just...

no.

mary. says:

snooping in my room again?

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

no actuall

y

mary. says:

what might they be?

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

whenever i walk past i have to hold my breath

because it smells so bad

so how do you think i would be able to go inside

mary. says:

ahahahahahahah

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

i dont own a gas mask.

mary. says:

that's ridiculous

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

remember?

like you.

your just a ridiculous

mary. says:

just because i'm not a tweeeeeeeen

that makes a lot of sense.

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

im not a tween im a teen you zonko.

you should just take that cucumber out of your ass

mary. says:

you're betweeeen 10-14

that's a tweeeeeen

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

and stop looking at your reflection all the time

i dont care what you think

mary. says:

w for wanna beeeeeeee.

you obviously do.

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

people with brains that small dont deserve to be listened to

mary. says:

or you wouldn't be talking to me.

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

they dont deserve to talk.

im not listening to you

mary. says:

well, you are listening to me.

ha-ha.

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

im just reading whatever the computers saying back

mary. says:

toucheeeeeeee to me.

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

so im not LISTENING

gosh youre a douche

mary. says:

*computer's

*i'm

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

you dont know the difference between reading and hearing

mary. says:

*don't

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

if you wont grow a brain then you might wanna try buying one

mary. says:

listening with your EYES then.

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

or something along those lines

mary. says:

*won't

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

you might want to think about that

how do you do that

mary. says:

do what? be amazing.

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

press your eyes up to the screen

mary. says:

it's easy

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

that doesnt work

oh wait then id get a face like yours

no one wants that

ewww

mary. says:

*I'd

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

mary. says:

i do!!!!!!1

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

mary. says:

oh beloved evelett, what would i do without you?

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

eww

mary. says:

my mummy says i'm beautifullllllllllllllllll

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

your mum

and my mum

at the same time

thats what youd do

yeah thats because you havent met her yet

because you dont know her

mary. says:

*you'd

*haven't

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

you know my mum quite well

but

im sorry

mary. says:

*i'm

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

you just dont know your own mum

mary. says:

*don't

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

so how is she supposed to say youre beautiful

mary. says:

i really do, i DID come out of her vagina, afterall

*you're

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

are you sure about that

you wouldnt be able to remember it

mary. says:

*wouldn't

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

so why dont you just fuck a tree

and leave me and my family alone

mary. says:

i don't even ahve to think about what i have to say, because all i do is correct YOU

*don't

*oxfameve.dal.os:P says:

and go scribble away in your pathetic diary

i mean

diarIES.

mary. says:

which you've read, obviously.

Blueblerry blast, for the faint hearted?

It's time.
As I clock on at work and see the tiny shred of paper requesting "Orig Blberry Bl" sitting vulnerably on the bench, I feel something. My heart flutters a little, but, you know, as if that means anything. But really, does anything?

I run my fingers through my hair on occasion, remembering how someone else used to play with my hair for me. Although, the fact that I don't know that it was really for me and not, just because. The thing is, as sad as I may have been about it all, as overdramatised as I made it, and as much ice-cream and care and affection consumated to overcome the state of overwhelmed introversion, how can I honestly say that I was being true myself?

I'm certain that I was hardly 100% myself, as awful as that seems, how could I be? 100% would mean, completely and fully involved, it would mean love, and even the "c-word." So, I was wrong in being outraged that someone could say something so soul numbing to me, and mean it. Well, really, the only real saddening part of the ordeal is the fact that I could be bothered, and me alone.

I felt at a loss, very confused, hurt and lost without that extra something that I thought he gave to me. The fact is, It had been gone for a while, and enevidably would not return in a flash, because there was so much of "it" lacking. By "it" I mean, that special something that I think was there a long time ago, though I cannot be sure. Afterall, maybe it was never there, atleast on my side. Maybe the whole swirl of emotions was my reaction to not encountering any of "it" in so long, that at a glance, I reacted so rashly, and in the spur of the moment, things turned out for the apparent "better."

It doesn't seem to make much sense, but it really does. The past few months had just been a part of my progression through this whole relationships thing, and I made mistakes, and now I'm learning. So, I have to say, although the explosion of emotions was not worth it, in terms of my emotional health, but in the long run, I think it was definately for the better.

Because, I was happy, not that I'm not anymore, but there was great moments, and memories that I'll keep in my heart, and my inbox, and all over my wall, and in my little book of secrets, all of which I do not regret. And, despite the pain, which may be refered to as "heartbreak", I really don't think it was that bad.

So, now all I have to worry about is my currently flittering heart full of love and compasion in the form of that "weird look" which I apparently have, my near-silent hummings and singings of emotions, hugs that last much too long, stories of beautiful people and things complete with excess adjectives, stupid blogs, and most importantly, my friends. They are my heart, and I love them for it.

I pour up, proceeding to spill access of the blue, thick drink a little.
"Blueberry Blast," I say in a clear, precise voice. "Have a nice day"