and it's still not over,

"That boy took my love away,
He'll regret it someday..."

I can't decide which I find more disturbing, the way that the last few days of this unmistakably fast year, have dragged on for so long, or that I'm up again, writing a blog, because I have too much to say about not much, or the fact that I've played solitare on my ipod over 200 times.

The Alone Game. As smallwood calls it. So, is that what it is? I feel lonely? I hardly think that that's physically possible. I'm not lonely, I think yesturday helped prove that, but I feel a little...wounded?

Right now, the only thing that's really assuring me is that I'm getting some decent sleep, and the horrific pain of my throat melted away, thanks immune system. Yet I'm still waking up at icky hours when nature decides to take my sweet dreams away.

So, I'll tell you what happened yesturday, after I had a rather pleasant morning typing up some crap, and chatting with chalwell. I went on a picnic, like I said I would. But before I left, mum's all "come here and write some new years resolutions, for yourself and the family... *tails off into rant about how it will only take a minute, yadayadayada...* " So, I sit down and scratch my head a little, thinking. What do I want to resolve? Sure, I wrote some stuff about that yesturday, but what do I really mean?

So, being me, I took the pussy way out and wrote some bullshit about not making a resolution because I'll just feel bad when I don't achieve it, and for everyone else's resolutions, I gave them something not to do anymore. Like, "stop being perverted", "don't shout all the time" etc. Fittingly, mother dearest commented on my 'negative attitude' and in her own little way, cut at my soul a little.

Why was this significant? Because, it's true, I am rather negative, most of the time. Not with my friends I guess, except in horrible weather eating lollies that make me feel sick that I'd spent all my change on, or something like that.
And I shouldn't be really, I mean god, what's even wrong. And, to add to his confusion a little, I had a bit of a strange day. Good and bad, but definately strange.

Our picnic didn't involve much eating. I found a sleeping coop in a nice spot in the shade and we sort of just chilled. That is, until we started kissing. Naturally, amongst all those great feelings that I'd missed, all flooding back to me, I felt a bit weird hearing little kids running around and screaming in the background. So I thought we should move somewhere less... public.

I won't go into detail, but it was good. Maybe better than good, but at the time I really wasn't thinking about the perfect word to describe it, so I'll leave it at that. After a while we wandered around a bit, finding semi-personal places, and eventually ending up on the roof carpark. Man, I love that place.

I realised a few things though, at somewhat inconvenient times. Concrete hurts, and so can certain activies, especially on concrete. And, as lovely as everything was, I was in a lot of pain most of the time, in ways that I didn't think I should be. I won't explain, because I'll get weird questions, but something about this reminded me of someone it shouldn't.

So, when he left, and it was time to go home, I was still thinking, a little disheartened at the idea that those feelings where still there. They weren't about to go away either, and not the good ones, the aching ones.

That day I realised a number of really important things, and not about concrete this time. Sometimes resting and waiting is the best medicine, it worked for my tonsils, and it should work for my emotions. I'm not very good at it though. I also noticed that I was no longer a full time beatles listener, I'd put the ipod on shuffle and althogh half the songs turned out to be beatles, something had changed. Finally, I remembered that you're gut does tell you what's going on. It's told me when my hearts about to be shattered, It's reminded me not to get too attached to people, It's given me warnings when I'm about to go too far, and surely when it's filled with ravenous butterflies, I should get the message that it's not just a fling.

But it didn't end here. After fighting a little against my parent's protests that I shouldn't go out on new years, I came back to cyberspace and talked to three significant people.

The first was a before mentioned inspiration to writing this, or "Jack". Although I don't know him, well, at all, he's good to talk to. He gave me sort of advice about things that he definately understood better than me. Unfortunately though, he knows more than I do about some issues with someone who was special, and I guess the memory always will be. Of course I wanted to know, but with the response "It's complicated", I knew I probably wasn't about to find out.

The second was an old friend. We fight all the time. Like an old married couple, take away some love, and add teenage angst. But I've always thought that it would work out in the end, I mean, we're friends, you can't break up a friendship, right? But then I think about friendships that did break up, involving friends of ours, so really, we could. Naturally, this worries me, but worrying about this seemed silly, so I decided to resolve myself, and try and be friends, properly, with this guy. Maybe it should be a resolution? So anyway, I talked to him, and we're pretty resolved. Apart from the fact that I've lost his trust, and we have very short tempers with eachother. But all will work in time, no?

The third was someone who I haven't talked to, or wanted to, or wanted to think about, for what seems like such a long time. Though, it's only been about 3 weeks. I decided to talk to him because of person one (alias - Jack). So we smalltalked a bit, and that was that. Nothing too awkward, and before I left he said "It was nice talking to you :)" without thinking much of it I said "you too" and signed out. But for a while after, that smile angered the crap out of me, don't ask me why. I then realised that the decision to talk to him, was a good one, and hopefully will make things easier in the future.

He haunted my dreams last night. Or rather, he was just in one. He parked his brother's car outside my house, came in and chatted with my parents, played with my dogs, and then drove me down a really long street to his house. This was all very strange because, he can't drive, I've never seen his house, and it is definately not on my street. In the car we talked about insignificant things, and he proceeded to tell me about his new girlfriend and I mentioned my new boyfriend. Then it was somehow dinner time and I got out of the car and walked all the way back down the street to my house.

So there, I thought I should share that. Actually, I had to, because not talking about all the stuff is eating me up a little inside.

Well, happy new year...

Beginning in the middle of an ending

"Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song..."

Sometimes the words of George, Paul, John and Ringo, on occasion, can express me,much better than my struggling words of description. My mum's always said that I can never explain myself clearly, and that's why she doesn't understand. But since when do parents understand anyway?

So to beginning this deliciously cliche pot of spoiled wit of a blog, I'm going to explain a few things.
I'll start at the beginning, my title. Right now you're with me, in the middle of the end of a tired old year. Two thousand and nine came quickly, and is practically gone, but I'm here to share with you the beautiful elements I shared with it.

So, the middle is now, the ending is soon and the beginning is this blog for my angry tears to burn, unrequited love interests to fester and unintelligible stories to make a new home perhaps in someone else's judgemental dirty looks.

I've already explained my quote, oh The Beatles, way to dictate my life without even trying. I wrote this little letter the other day, which I'm planning on editing and posting away, possibly to never be read by the only remaining Beatle(Ringo doesn't count though.)

Well, now that that's over with, I can begin to explain myself, or try to, for the purpose of wringing out my guarded emotions. Just so you know, I'll be writing on an irregular basis, just really when I feel, and that way, you can read when you feel like reading, and perhaps we'll sync at some point down the track.

I was inspired to write this by someone who'd probably gawf at the fact that their blog could inspire anyone, but secretly be exceedingly pleased with himself. But also, by a young lady who adores this boy's blog, and is equally inspiring. I don't know either of them THAT well, one of them, not really at all. But I kind of get them, or I at least get why they'd want to write one of these. So for the purposes of my fail at explaining, They will now be known as Jack and Jill, because they're secretly going to get married and live happily ever after one day, even after falling down that hill.

So me, I'm fifteen and pretty happy right where I am, which is why I'm also angry, because I'm not going to be like this for long. As soon as I turn sixteen, I won't be happy about being legal, and getting my L's soon, I'll be completely devastated that I can no longer legally buy children's tickets ever again. So, If I had the ability to turn into a vampire, I'd do it right now, and be fifteen forever :).

OK, so I saw New Moon yesterday and I'm a little taken aback by the cuteness of it all, as much as I loathe it. But I saw it with a fantastic person, who probably made the greatest impact on my life this year, and I thought that maybe I should make a list of all those people who've made me grin a few too many times this year, but this will come in blogs to come, as they all deserve their own one.

So, before I go to a dandy picnic today, with someone who I can only hope will be here to stay (ooh rhyming), I've got a few more things to say (again :D)

*clears throat with an attempt at not sounding annoying*

This year, I've changed. My school, my hair, my weight, the respect people give me, the way I do my make up, my self confidence, my bedroom, my loves and hates, and my friends. But apart from all that, the person inside is still the same, she just chose to shine on a little bit harder. One of the most significant things I've done all year is not done a single thing the same. Sure I've made cupcakes for people's birthdays, but each birthday I'll have different one's, a different design perhaps, maybe a cake instead, or maybe no cupcakes but instead a modest gift as a subtle reminder than although I didn't feel like baking, I still love them all the same.

So, hopefully next year I won't do anything the same again, and my "resolution" is to get past the shit, and bitchy girls, and devastatingly attractive boys, and trashy parties, and really really bad times, and smile. Because, as I epiphinised (side note: use real words, not even) whilst watching the fabulous zooey daschnel in the not so fabulously plot-lined 500 Days of Summer, when she smiled, she really did look beautiful, just as everyone does, just as I told my sister, and what could be better than looking beautiful, all the time?
With this I leave on a light note, happy new year, but before the clock strikes, I urge you to bless you're ears "With a little help from my friends"

"...And I'll try not to sing out of key"